I would like to keep our blogs focused on our pregnancy and not
discuss other topics, but I thought I should share one of my biggest
struggles in life as it relates to this journey. I decided to write this
blog as recently there was so much hype in the US news about the
historic day in pro sport as Jason Collins announced he's gay. I applaud
his decision to be true to himself and pave the path for others
who have been struggling with their sexual orientation.
For me,
I have struggled with it for years, and I can write a book about it.
Growing up in a conservative society where there is death penalty for
gays, I learned to keep my feelings inside from a very young age and
live a double life as I thought my family would never understand me if I
tell them the truth. Sadly there was nothing in literature or news
about gays, and I grew up with so much feeling of confusion, guilt,
depression and shame. I kept wondering if I was
going through a phase and my feelings will change. Not sure if you read
the book or watched the movie "Gone with the Wind". Scarlet O'Hara's
famous line had become my favorite line: "
I can't
think about that right now. If I do, I'll go crazy. I'll
think about that
tomorrow."
Not
knowing what to do about my feelings, I focused my attention in school,
and I tried not to think about my sexuality and the future.
Interestingly I had a couple of gay friends in school who were not out
to their families either. Also I had known my grand uncle was gay as he
never got married. He lived with his mom for years and once his mother
passed away, he lived alone. I was told when he passed away, no
relatives knew about his death until few days later when the neighbors
reported to police about smell of dead body coming from his house. I was
very sad and scared when I heard the news.
Right after high school, I decided to
leave Iran, not because of being gay, but mainly because of religious
persecution. So I came to the US as a refugee back in 1990. I have been
forever thankful for having a new life and the freedom to be who I am. In past few years, I have come out of closet
selectively to people that I trusted. I gradually came
out to my siblings, but I
always knew I could never come out to my parents. First of all, they
lived back in Iran. Secondly they are quite traditional and may not be
able to understand me. Also health-wise they are not in great shape and I
didn't want to add to their stress and affect their well-being. My mother had stroke
when she was 49. The few relatives who knew the news advised me not to
tell my parents as they will never understand, and their health might
deteriorate. Sadly, one of the reasons I postponed parenthood was my
parents. I always thought I cannot have kids while they are alive. I was
convinced my parents might have a heart-attack if they find out. How
would I explain to them where the babies came from and my own sexual
orientation? It was a painful thing in my life that I had to wait for
the passage of two of the most precious people in my life (my parents)
to welcome the soon-to-be precious entities (my children). I do not wish
that feeling on anybody.
Meanwhile my
goal was to be a father by
age 40. In 2008, we decided to sponsor my parents and bring them over
to the US. They met my partner and liked him a lot, but I could not come
to terms to tell them the truth. Since they moved here, I have taken
care of their medical needs, taking
them to all sorts of specialists and regular check ups. My mother's
diabetes is now better managed, and I think overall they are healthier than
before. Meanwhile my parents have been pressuring me to get married and
have children. I have heard my parents
specially my
mom saying "You have been helping us in our old age. Who is going to
help you when you get old?" or "Don't you want to leave a memory
behind?!"
Even though I don't exactly agree with my mom's suggestion that I
should bring a child to this world to help me during my old age, I do
understand her point and her desire for me to be
a parent....
So as I was becoming determined to have kids, I
told myself I have to be truthful to my parents about this and face the
consequences. In December shortly after registering with SCI, I had one
of those conversations with my mom about my life. I finally had the
courage to tell her the truth and break the news about the plan to
pursue surrogacy in India. Her
reaction really surprised me. She seemed very supportive of me and in a way sad for what I
had gone through all my life and not having the courage to be truthful
with her. Her only question since that day was if I ever got
professional help as I was struggling with being gay. This was one huge
weight coming off my shoulder, but I knew coming out to my father will be
the toughest.
Interestingly few weeks ago I found out my mom couldn't
keep the news to herself and decided to share it with my father! In one
way, I was disappointed she couldn't keep the secret. On the other hand,
I'm relieved she took care of this humongous task that I was supposed to
do before the babies' arrival! I heard even though my father was
disappointed of the news, he seems happy he will have couple of more
grand children on the way! I should have a discussion with him in
upcoming
months. Anyway, I couldn't believe I had to wait so many years to finally
come out to my parents. I feel so relieved that finally my two worlds
are merging, and I don't have to live this double life, at least to my
close family. Clearly I had under-estimated my parents and their
reaction to my news. You should never underestimate a parent's love and understanding for their children. I'm confident I will even be closer to them once
the babies are in the picture. I really don't know how many
years my parents have left in this world, but I do intent to share this
dream with them. My sweet mom is already excited about the twins, and
she's offering to help caring for them once they arrive.
I have always been reluctant
telling others about my personal life. However I understand how important it is
for LGBT community to be open with others as much as possible if we
are going to change hearts and make it easier for the future generation.
That seems to be what's moving the needle on marriage equality so
quickly in recent years here in the US. And I am aware
that by staying in closet, I am not helping the community. So I still
have a lot of work to do to get there.
I am a strong believer that God
has a plan for all of us. We all face unique challenges in this life - some more than others. We just have to make the most of the cards we are dealt. I have always been determined to live my life to the
fullest despite the challenges. I wanted to live a normal life, fall in
love, form a family and have kids. Looking back, I really
don't know what could have happened to me had I stayed in Iran. Would I
have given up to the pressure of society and got married and ruined a
woman's life to form a family? Or would I have followed my grand uncle's
footstep and had a lonely life? Would I have remained silent to the
discrimination in that society? I would never know the answer, but I am
happy for becoming an American and having this opportunity to pursue the
dream. Yet feeling sad for the previous generation of LGBT community
(like my grand uncle) for what they had to go through and the sacrifices
they had to make to pave the path I'm taking. And I know the next generation will have a better
life...
In closing, I would like to share a beautiful excerpt I heard this week from one of my favorite American
presidents, Bill Clinton: "I have known Jason Collins since he was
Chelsea's classmate and friend at Stanford. Jason's announcement today
is an important moment for professional sports and in the history of the
LGBT community. It is also the straightforward statement of a good man
who wants no more than what so many of us seek: to be able to be who we
are; to do our work; to build families and to contribute to our
communities. For so many members of the LGBT community, these simple
goals remain elusive. I hope that everyone, particularly Jason's
colleagues in the NBA, the media and his many fans extend to him their
support and the respect he has earned."
